The 12 Obstacles to Communication

Psychologist Thomas Gordon identified twelve "obstacles" or "roadblocks" that prevent effective communication.

Although often used with good intentions, these behaviors can be detrimental to communication, as they activate defensiveness, generate resentment, and cut off dialogue.

Obstacles Related to Authority and Control

Ordering, directing, commanding: This occurs when someone uses their position of power to get another person to do something.

No one wants to be ordered around, as it feels disrespectful.

This behavior is typical of "persecutors" who seek to control the behavior of others.

Warning or threatening: Threats are a form of coercion that, rather than encouraging dialogue, paralyzes it.

People who threaten use power to get what they want, which damages trust and respect in a relationship.

Moralizing, Preaching: This occurs when someone takes a position of moral superiority and tells the other person what they "should" or "shouldn't" do.

This behavior, even if well-intentioned, is perceived as a form of criticism and condescension, which causes the other person to become defensive.

Obstacles Related to Judgment and Premature Solutions

Advising, Providing Solutions: Although advising may seem helpful, it often becomes an obstacle.

When a person gives unsolicited advice, they are assuming that they are superior to the other person and that the other person is not capable of solving their own problems.

This behavior, common in "saviors," makes the other person feel invalidated and dependent.

Judging, Criticizing, Blaming: These behaviors are a direct attack on the person and, as seen, are unhelpful.

Criticism and judgment cause the other person to shut down and refuse to listen.

Praise, approval: Although praise seems positive, too much can be harmful.

People who constantly seek approval become addicted to it, and their self-esteem becomes dependent on the opinions of others.

The absence of praise is perceived as criticism, which can damage the relationship.

Obstacles Related to Avoidance

Distracting, evading, humoring: These behaviors are used to avoid a topic that is uncomfortable.

The person using them is unwilling to listen to the other person's concern, which cre