Achieving goals: DEAR MAN

The structure of the DEAR assertive request (DEAR)

The acronym DEAR MAN provides a structured script to maximize the likelihood of getting what is desired or of effectively rejecting an unwanted request. The "DEAR" part focuses on the content of the message.

D (Describe) involves stating the facts of the situation objectively and without judgment, establishing common ground ("I've noticed that reports have been delivered late the last three times").

E (Express) requires communicating feelings and opinions using first-person statements ("I"), avoiding blaming the other ("I feel anxious about project deadlines," rather than "You are irresponsible").

The A (Assert) is the heart of the request: clearly ask for what you want or say "no" unambiguously ("I need the reports to be ready by Friday at 3 PM").

Finally, R (Reinforce) involves explaining the positive consequences for the other if he/she agrees to the request, creating a win-win situation ("This will allow us to leave early on the weekend").

The style of interaction (MAN)

The second part, "MAN", refers to the manner and attitude during the interaction. M (Mindfulness) means keeping the focus on the main objective, ignoring distractions, personal attacks or attempts to change the subject by the other.

It is the "broken record" technique: calmly returning to the main point over and over again.

The A (Appear confident) is crucial; even if you feel inner terror, adopt a confident physical posture, maintain eye contact and use a firm tone of voice, as nonverbal communication conveys the seriousness of the request.

N (Negotiate) implies flexibility; be willing to offer alternatives or reduce the request to reach an agreement ("If you can't on Friday at 3, how about 5?"), or change the dynamic by asking the other how they would solve the problem.

Application in high-intensity scenarios

This tool is especially useful in situations where emotions often derail the goal, such as asking for a raise, setting boundaries with an intrusive family member, or rejecting social pressures.

For example, when declining an insistent invitation, the facts are described ("You have invited me three times"), the feeling is expressed ("I value your interest, but I feel pressured"), the boundary is asserted ("I will not attend"), and the relationship is reinforced ("I hope we can meet in another, calmer context").

The key is that the structure prevents emotion from hijacking discourse, keeping the interaction on a logical and respectful track.

Summary

The DEAR acronym structures the content of the message: Describe the facts objectively, Express feelings with "I", Assert the request clearly, and Reinforce the other by explaining the positive consequences of agreeing.

The MAN part defines the style: Keep focused on the objective by ignoring distractions, Appear confident through body language and Negotiate flexibly by offering alternatives to reach a mutual agreement.

This tool is vital in intense situations to prevent emotion from hijacking the discourse. It keeps the interaction on a logical and respectful track, increasing the likelihood of success in the request.