Blockages in listening

Cognitive Interference: Mind Reading and Rehearsal

Real listening is impossible when the mind is engaged in other processes. "Mind reading" is a common block where one assumes to know the intentions or thoughts of the interlocutor without evidence ("I know he is just saying that to annoy me"), leading to responding to an imagined intention rather than the actual message.

Simultaneously, "mental rehearsal" involves using the time when the other is speaking to prepare one's own response or counterargument.

By being focused on what is going to be said next, much of the verbal and non-verbal information that is being received is lost, turning the dialogue into two parallel monologues where there is no real exchange of information.

Selective filtering and premature judgment

Filtering is a defense mechanism whereby one only pays attention to the parts of the message that confirm one's beliefs or fears, ignoring the rest.

For example, someone may listen only to criticism and ignore praise or context.

This is often accompanied by premature judgment: labeling the other person or their message as "wrong," "stupid," or "unfair" before one has fully understood their point of view.

This judgment closes the mind to empathic understanding and immediately activates defense or attack mechanisms, preventing any possibility of mutual understanding or new learning about the situation.

The need to be right and to advise

The urge to "fix" things or demonstrate intellectual superiority constitutes a significant barrier.

The block to "advise" arises when the account of an emotional experience is interrupted to offer unsolicited solutions, which is often perceived as invalidating.

On the other hand, the compelling need to "be right" leads to listening only to find fault with the other's logic, turning the conversation into a debate or legal judgment where the goal is to win, not to connect.

Deep listening requires suspending ego and the need for control, adopting a posture of genuine curiosity