Conflict management: the 3-position model

The Origin of Conflict

Interpersonal conflict almost always arises from a clash of perspectives.

Each person is anchored in their own point of view, convinced of their own rightness, and is unable (or unwilling) to understand the other's perspective.

Emotion takes over the situation, listening shuts down, and communication breaks down.

Conflict resolution, therefore, is not about "winning" the argument, but about the skill of moving flexibly between different points of view.

The First Position (I)

This is our own perspective, our subjective view of the situation, with our thoughts, feelings, and needs.

Being anchored solely in this position is a recipe for conflict, as we only see our side of the story.

The Second Position (You)

The first step in resolving a conflict is to make the conscious effort to move to the second position.

This involves "putting yourself in the other person's shoes."

It involves trying, as faithfully as possible, to see the situation from their perspective.

What is that person thinking? What are they feeling? What are their needs or fears? This act of perspective-taking is deeply empathetic and is often enough to dissolve much of the tension.

It's not about agreeing, but about understanding.

The Third Position (The Observer)

Sometimes, even after trying to see the other person's perspective, we are still caught up in the emotion.

In these cases, it is helpful to move to a third position: that of the neutral observer.

Imagine that you are an impartial spectator, like a fly on the