Identifying Unmet Needs

The pyramid of needs in the relationship

Every human being possesses a spectrum of fundamental needs that, when met, lead to a full and balanced life.

These range from the most basic and tangible, such as physical safety, food and health, to more complex dimensions such as social connection, autonomy, intellectual growth and spiritual expression.

In the context of a couple's relationship, emotional needs take center stage: the need to be heard, validated, loved and trusted.

When these needs are adequately met, we experience positive emotions such as gratitude, calm, joy and security.

On the contrary, the chronic dissatisfaction of these needs generates a state of emotional pain that can manifest itself as deep sadness, anxiety, fatigue or loneliness, even if externally life seems "successful".

It is common to find people who, despite having material stability, feel empty because their needs for affection or purpose are being ignored.

Recognizing which specific needs are in deficit is the first step in healing psychological distress.

Imbalance in need fulfillment with a pathological partner

In a relationship with a narcissistic personality, the dynamics of needs become perverted.

The system becomes parasitic: the narcissist's needs (admiration, control, attention) take center stage, relegating those of the partner to non-existence or irrelevance.

It is common for the narcissist to actively minimize or ridicule the other's desires.

They might say phrases such as, "What do you want to go to that painting workshop for? It's a waste of time and money, you should focus on supporting me."

The victim is often forced to justify their basic needs as if they are on trial, defending their right to have friends, to rest, or to have privacy, which is a clear indicator of a controlling relationship.

The narcissist may actively discourage the fulfillment of the partner's social or personal growth needs, isolating the partner under the pretext that "no one else will understand you" or "those friends don't suit us."

Over time, the person stops asking for and even acknowledging his or her own needs to avoid conflict, leading to a slow but devastating erosio