Acts of Kindness

Action as a generator of emotion

We often fall into the trap of thinking that we must "feel" love to act lovingly.

However, behavioral psychology teaches us that the relationship is bidirectional: if we act in a loving way, feelings of love are likely to follow action. The strategy of "Days of Caring" or acts of kindness is based on this principle.

It consists of making small, concrete and specific gestures that we know our partner values, regardless of whether we are at our emotional best or not.

It is a "fake it until you make it" approach in the best sense: behaving like a couple in love to reactivate love. This technique breaks the paralysis of "waiting for the other to change".

If both wait for the other to initiate the approach, the distance becomes infinite.

By taking the initiative to perform an act of service, leave a loving note, or give a small gift, the cycle of negativity is interrupted.

The recipient's brain registers the gesture as a signal of safety and care, which softens his or her defenses.

Simultaneously, the giver's brain, by performing the act, reduces its own cognitive dissonance by aligning its feelings with its positive behavior.

The specificity of care

For this to work, acts must be meaningful to the receiver, not just the giver. This is where knowledge of the other comes into play.

Drawing a hot bath may be heaven for one and a waste of time for another.

The exercise is for each to list a series of small actions (not requiring great expense or excessive time) that would make him or her feel cared for and loved.

The lists are then exchanged and each commits to performing some of these actions on a daily basis without keeping score and without expecting immediate applause.

It is vital that these acts be done without conditions, not as a bargaining chip for sex or favors, but as a pure investment in the emotional well-being of the relationship.

By accumulating these small moments of kindness, the atmosphere of the home is changed. We stop being competing adversaries and become caring allies again.

Kindness is contagious; when one begins to give, it often inspires