Overcoming Personality Drivers: [Being Perfect,] [Rushing] and [Pleasing Others]

Identifying the Unconscious Drivers of Unhappiness

Within our mental programming, there are certain particularly potent thought patterns known as "personality drivers."

These are internal mandates, often developed in childhood as coping strategies, that in adult life can become significant sources of stress and unhappiness if left unchecked.

Although there are several, three of the most common and damaging are "Be Perfect," "Rush," and "Please Others."

These drivers act as an internal voice that constantly pressures us to meet unrealistic standards.

A dangerous aspect of these patterns is that the more we "feed" them "i.e., the more we try to meet their demands," the stronger and more demanding they become.

Overcoming them is not about giving in to them, but about recognizing them and learning to deliberately act against them.

The "Be Perfect" Driver: The Tyranny of Impeccability

The "Be Perfect" drive is often born of a childhood in which mistakes were punished and only excellence was rewarded.

In adulthood, it manifests as an obsession with doing everything flawlessly, from the way the cans are organized in the pantry to the wording of an email.

The person with this drive is overly detail-oriented and critical, and feels great anxiety at the possibility of making a mistake.

This pursuit of perfection is exhausting and ultimately paralyzing, as perfection is an unattainable standard.

The therapy for this driver is acceptance of "good enough."

It involves setting time limits for tasks, forcing yourself to deliver work that is good but not perfect, and practicing self-compassion in the face of mistakes.

It's about learning that progress is more valuable than perfection that never comes.

The "Hustle" Driver: The Constant Race Against the Clock

The "Hurry Up" driver is often rooted in a childhood fear of falling behind.

It manifests as a compulsion to fit as many activities as possible into as little time as possible.

The person with this driver lives in a state of constant hurry, multitasking and feeling that there is never enough time.

This mindset creates chronic stress and prevents us from being present and enjoying the moment; we are so busy rushing to the next task that we miss the life that is happening right now.

The therapy for this driver is the deliberate practice of slowing down.

It involves planning with time margins, arriving at places ahead of time rather than just in time, practicing monotasking, and taking moments to do nothing.

It's about teaching our nervous system that there is no emergency and that efficiency is not synonymous with speed.

The "Pleasing Others" Driver: The Loss of Self-Centeredness

The "Pleasing Others" driver comes from the childhood lesson that being "good" means putting the needs of others ahead of one's own.

At its extreme, this becomes an excessive concern for what others think and an inability to say "no," leading to a neglect of one's own needs, desires and goals.

The person with this driver often feels resentful and exhausted, as his or her life is dictated by the expectations of others.

The therapy for t