What to do if our child suffers bullying or harassment.

The First Reaction: Active Listening, Validation and Calming

The moment a child confesses that he/she is being bullied, the parents' first reaction is the most crucial.

It is essential to remain calm; a panicked reaction, uncontrolled anger or crying on the part of the adult can frighten the child and cause him or her to shut down again. The goal is to create a space of absolute safety.

This implies practicing active listening: letting the child speak without interrupting, not bombarding him with questions and, above all, not passing judgment or blaming him ("But what did you do?", "Why didn't you defend yourself?"). Validation is the next step.

The child should hear clear phrases such as: "I believe you", "This is not your fault" and "Thank you for telling me, you are very brave".

Validate their pain ("I totally understand that you feel scared/sad/angry") and reassure them that what they are going through is not normal or acceptable.

This first conversation lays the foundation for trust and transfers responsibility for the problem from him ("my problem") to the family ("our problem").

Information Gathering and Strategy (No False Promises)

Once the child feels safe, it is time to gather information, but in a calm manner, perhaps in several conversations.

Specific data should be obtained, but without sounding like a police interrogation: What (what exactly is being done to him/her), Who (who are the aggressors and who are the observers), Where (in the playground, in the bathroom, online), When (how long has it been going on) and How (if there have been witnesses, if he/she has reported it to a teacher).

With this information, parents should design a strategy.

It is vital not to make promises that cannot be kept ("Tomorrow this will end") and, fundamentally, not to recommend violence ("If they hit you, hit them harder").

This last strategy almost always worsens the situation, since it puts the child in a double bind: if he does not hit, he feels like a coward in front of his parents; if he hits, he will probably receive a greater aggression or be sanctioned by the school.

The strategy must always involve adult intervention.

Coordinated Action with the School

Intervention should never be direct from the parents to the aggressor or the aggressor's family. This tends to aggravate the conflict and can have legal consequences.

The correct action is to formally contact the school. An urgent meeting should be requested with the tutor and, if necessary, with the head of studies or the headmaster or headmistress.

This meeting should be attended calmly but firmly, presenting the facts gathered (preferably in writing) and avoiding an attacking attitude towards the teachers.

The purpose of the meeting is to report the situation and demand the activation of the bullying protocol that every institution should have.

It should be asked about the protective measures that will be taken for the victim immediately and what intervention measures will be applied with the aggressor and observers.

Parents should be cooperative, but make it clear that they will follow up closely until the bullying stops completely.

Summary

The first reaction should be calm and active listening. It is vital to believe the child, validate their pain and reassure them that it is not their fault, creating a space of total trust.

Collect detailed information about the bullying (what, who, where) without pressuring the child. Never advise the child to return the aggression or make promises that cannot be kept.

The correct intervention is to formally contact the school. The facts should be presented and the activation of the bullying protocol should be demanded, ensuring the protection of the victim.