When our child is the bully

Accepting Reality and Managing Initial Denial

Receiving the news that one's own child is the bully is a hard blow to any parent.

The most common reaction is denial ("My child wouldn't do that," "I'm sure he was provoked," "He's a very good boy at home").

This defensive reaction is understandable, but it is the biggest obstacle to solving the problem.

The first and most difficult step is to accept the possibility that the accusation is true.

We must actively listen to the school or whoever brings the information, asking for concrete facts and observations, not opinions.

It is vital to avoid aggressive confrontation with the child ("How dare you do that to...!"). Instead, approach the subject calmly and firmly.

You should talk to the child in private, stating the facts you know ("I have been informed that today in the playground...") and asking for his or her version, but making it clear that you are investigating a very serious behavior.

Separate the child (our child) from the behavior (the bullying).

Establish Clear and Nonviolent Consequences

Once the behavior is confirmed, the child must understand that his or her actions have serious and immediate consequences.

However, these consequences should not be violent (yelling, physical punishment, humiliation), as this would only reinforce the model that "power and violence solve problems". Punishment should be educational and restorative.

The consequences should be logical: if he misuses the cell phone to harass, he will lose the privilege of using it for a while. But more important is repairing the damage.

Although direct contact with the victim is usually discouraged (so as not to re-victimize the victim), the aggressor should take reparative action: write a letter of apology (which will be reviewed by adults), perform community tasks at school or at home, or spend time researching the impact of the bullying and present his or her findings.

The consequence should teach, not just punish.

Digging into Causes and Modeling Empathy

Bullying is a symptom of a deeper problem. The child is not "bad" by nature; something is motivating him or her to act that way.

Parents should investigate the causes: Is he seeking status? Is he frustrated? Is he being bullied himself in another setting? Is he imitating behaviors he sees at home or in the media? This is a time for self-reflection for parents: Are we modeling sarcasm, criticism or aggression as a way of relating?

It is a time to actively teach empathy. The child should be confronted with the pain he or she has caused, not just in an abstract way.

Questions such as, "How do you think [the victim] felt when you said that to him/her?", "How would you feel if they did that to you every day?" should be used.

Emotional intelligence should be worked on, helping him/her to name his/her own feelings (anger, frustration) and to find ways to manage them that do not involve harming others.

Summary

The first reaction of parents should be to overcome denial. Listen to the school, accept the facts and talk to the child calmly but firmly, without justifying the behavior.

The consequences should be immediate, educational and non-violent. More than a punishment, reparation of the damage is sought, such as a letter of apology or tasks that teach responsibility.

It is crucial to investigate the cause of the bullying, which is a symptom. Parents should reflect on what model they are giving and actively work on empathy in the child, making them aware of the pain caused.