False concerns (covert [Negging]).

Criticism disguised as kindness

This tactic is dangerously effective because it is camouflaged under the cloak of love, care and the desire to "improve" the partner.

The aggressor makes hurtful judgments about the victim's appearance, weight, intelligence or behavior, but wraps them in a paternalistic tone of concern.

Phrases such as "I'm telling you to go to the gym because I'm concerned about your health, not because you look bad" or "maybe you shouldn't talk about that in public so they don't think you're ignorant" are direct attacks on self-worth disguised as well-meaning advice.

Unlike an insult, which is easy to dismiss, this "false kindness" disarms the victim, since attacking someone who supposedly cares about you seems ungrateful.

The gratitude and debt trap

If the victim detects the underlying hostility and attempts to defend himself or takes offense, the aggressor reacts with victimizing indignation.

He uses responses such as, "On top of the fact that I care about you, you're like this. You are ungrateful."

This generates immediate guilt in the victim, who ends up feeling bad for having negatively interpreted a "gesture of love".

The goal is to erode the victim's identity so that she begins to see herself through the critical eyes of the aggressor, internalizing the idea that she is flawed, inadequate or incapable of taking care of herself without her partner's guidance.

The sculptor and the clay

At its core, this strategy seeks to establish a hierarchical relationship of "sculptor" and "clay."

The aggressor sets himself up as the expert who knows best, and the victim is the moldable material to be corrected.

Over time, the victim gives up her autonomy: she stops choosing her clothes, modifies her diet, gives up hobbies or changes her way of speaking to avoid "corrective advice" and the disapproving gaze of her partner.

A colonization of personal preferences occurs, where the victim gives up her individuality under the false belief that she is improving, when in reality she is being overridden and tailored to suit the aggressor's ego.

Summary

This tactic camouflages hurtful criticism under the guise of kindness and paternalistic concern; the aggressor attacks the victim's intelligence or appearance with false advice, disarming her by presenting himself as someone who wants to take care of her.

If the victim is offended, the manipulator reacts with victimizing indignation, labeling her as ungrateful; this generates immediate guilt in her, who ends up feeling bad for rejecting what is presented to her as a gesture of love.

The ultimate goal is to establish a hierarchy of "sculptor and clay", where the victim gives up her autonomy and modifies her habits to avoid disapproval, being annulled and adapted to the measure of the aggressor's ego.