Agreeableness and Authenticity

Our behaviors are a direct reflection of our core values.

The easiest way to identify what we value is to observe our actions, both alone and with others, and reflect honestly on our intentions.

Two values that act as key drivers in our interactions are agreeableness and authenticity.

Agreeableness is a personality trait found in people who seek to please others, often by satisfying their needs in order to be validated.

On the other hand, authenticity refers to being genuine and sincere in our interactions.

The problem arises when agreeableness is practiced at the expense of one's own integrity and well-being.

Origin of Agreeableness: Fear and Insecurity

The main reasons behind excessive agreeableness are insecurity and fear.

In personal and social relationships, the need for external validation is so strong that the person feels affected or uncomfortable if others express anything other than appreciation.

For example, the fear of seeing an angry or disappointed friend may lead someone to change his or her behavior or agree to plans that he or she does not really want, just to keep the peace.

This behavior becomes a transaction: you make an effort to make the other person happy and expect things to go your way in return.

When this doesn't happen, the person may feel justified in getting upset, thinking, "I've done everything for you, and this is what I get in return."

Agreeableness as a transaction

In reality, this forced agreeableness hides the fear of not being able to stand up for oneself.

At work, the fear of losing one's job or being seen as imperfect can lead one to accept impossible workloads, which in turn generates stress, demotivation and even burnout.

The person who acts in this way makes their self-esteem dependent on the appreciation of their superiors, giving more importance to what their boss thinks of them than to what they think of themselves.

When faced with criticism despite having made a great deal of effort, she often takes it personally, leading her to shut down rather than express her genuine opinions.

Summary

Our behaviors are a reflection of our values. Two key values are agreeableness, which seeks to please others to validate oneself, and authenticity, which is being genuine. The problem arises when agreeableness is practiced at the expense of one's integrity.

Excessive agreeableness stems from insecurity and fear. For example, fear of seeing an angry friend may lead us to agree to plans we don't want. This behavior is a transaction in which we expect others to respond positively.

This forced agreeableness hides the fear of not being able to defend oneself. Accepting impossible workloads for fear of being imperfect can lead to burnout. Self-esteem depends on the approval of others, making it fragile.