How to Prevent Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a common barrier in conversations, as it is often triggered when we feel our ideas or our worth is under attack.

The "agreement frame" method is a very effective linguistic technique to prevent defensiveness and keep a conversation flowing, even in the midst of a disagreement.

The key is to use the words "yes, and" instead of "yes, but."

This technique disarms resistance and allows the dialogue to focus on collaboration rather than confrontation.

The "but" trap

Many people, when attempting to disagree, fall into the trap of using the word "but."

Phrases such as "I understand your point of view, but I think that..." actually invalidate everything that was said before the "but" word.

The interlocutor perceives this "but" as a sign that he or she has not been truly heard and becomes defensive.

The conversation stalls in a power struggle over who is right, rather than moving toward a solution.

The power of the "yes, and"

The "framework of agreement" teaches us to look for common ground, however small, and to build on it.

Instead of overruling the other person's idea, you acknowledge its validity and add a new perspective to it.

For example, instead of saying, "I understand your point, but it's too expensive," you can say, "I agree that it's a good idea, and I'd like to explore how we can fund it to make it viable."

This last phrase demonstrates respect for the other's idea and opens the door to creativity, transforming disagreement into an opportunity for collaboration.

Having a productive conversation

To apply this technique effectively, you must actively seek out the points with which you agree.

Doing so shows that you are truly listening, which builds trust and respect.

The key is to avoid phrases that dismiss the other person's opinion and instead use phrases that acknowledge it, such as "I appreciate your opinion" or "That's a good way to look at it."

The goal is to create an environment where disagreement is not a battle, but a way to build common understanding and find win-win solutions.

Summary

Defensiveness is a common barrier that is activated when we feel our ideas are under attack. The "agreement frame" technique helps prevent defensiveness. Its key is to use "yes, and" instead of "yes, but."

The "but" invalidates what has been said before. The interlocutor perceives it as a signal that he or she has not been heard. The conversation stalls in a power struggle instead of moving toward a solution.

The "agreement frame" teaches you to build on the other's idea. For example, "I agree, and I'd like to explore how we can fund it." This transforms disagreement into an opportunity for collaboration and demonstrates respect.