Perception as a Major Source of Disagreement

One of the deepest and most frequent causes of family conflict is not what happens, but how each member interprets what happens.

Perception is the filter through which we access, define and make sense of reality, and since each person's filter is unique, differences in interpretation are inevitable.

Understanding how our perception works allows us to understand why the same event can be seen in such disparate ways, laying the groundwork for more conscious and less conflictive communication.

Difference between structured and unstructured perception

Our way of perceiving the world can be divided into two main categories.

The first is structured perception, which refers to information that does not lend itself to multiple interpretations and is therefore not usually a source of conflict.

For example, if we see a feather, a ring or a hand, most people will agree on what they are seeing.

This is an objective, shared reality that provides us with common ground.

On the other hand, unstructured perception is the one that does allow for an infinite number of different interpretations, becoming the real breeding ground for conflict.

This type of perception applies to situations, behaviors or intentions, where there is no single objective truth.

This is where our personal experiences, beliefs and emotions come into play to shape our particular version of reality.

How subjective interpretations lead to arguments

Unstructured perception is the root of countless discussions because each person assigns a different meaning to the same situation.

Imagine showing an ambiguous photograph of a female doctor to a group of people.

Some will say that she is sad because she has lost a patient, others that she is full of enthusiasm for her first day, and others that she is exhausted and about to quit.

If such a simple image can generate so many different stories, it's easy to understand why complex family life events do as well.

On a day-to-day basis, we get "caught up" in arguments because we assume that our interpretation is the only correct one.

A comment from your partner, an action from your child or a silence can be interpreted in radically opposite ways by each of you.

This gives rise to dialogues such as: "You didn't tell me that because you didn't care" versus "I didn't tell you because I didn't know it was important to you".

The conflict arises not because of the fact itself, but because of the different way in which each perceives the intention and meaning behind that fact, generating a clash of subjective realities.

Summary

A frequent cause of conflict is not what happens, but how it is interpreted. Perception is each person's unique filter.

Structured perception (seeing a feather) does not generate conflict. Unstructured perception (interpreting a situation) does allow for multiple interpretations.

Arguments arise because we assume that our subjective interpretation is the only correct one. Conflict arises from the clash of subjective realities.