The Tantrum as a Vehicle for Autonomy

Far from being a sign of bad parenting or a "misbehaved" child, the tantrum is actually a fundamental psychological mechanism in the preschool stage.

It is the tool that the child's own psyche establishes in order to carry out its most important life task at that moment: the conquest of autonomy.

The problem, therefore, is not the tantrum itself, but how parents respond to it, since that response will determine whether the experience becomes a lesson in manipulation or a pillar for the development of a healthy character.

Why a temper tantrum is a normal and necessary stage.

It is crucial that parents stop blaming themselves when their children have tantrums. This stage is not only normal, but absolutely necessary for child development.

The tantrum is the vehicle that the child's psyche uses to begin to experience its own will and its desire to be an autonomous individual.

It always arises from the same dynamic: the child wants something, wants it at a specific time and in a specific way, and when he cannot get it, his frustration explodes in the form of tantrums, screaming and crying.

Instead of seeing it as an act of rebellion, we should understand it as the child's first attempt to assert his or her self and explore the limits of the world around him or her.

The risks of poor management: patterns of manipulation or conflict with authority.

The way parents manage tantrums has long-term consequences, and can establish patterns of behavior that will last a lifetime.

There are two damaging extremes:

Total indulgence: if the child learns that with a tantrum he gets everything he wants (the dessert, the toy, the attention), the behavior is reinforced.

A pattern of life is established in which emotional manipulation is the tool to achieve their goals.

This can result in adults who, while not throwing themselves on the floor, continue to throw "tantrums" when life does not conform to their desires, showing little tolerance for frustration.

Constant repression: At the other extreme, if the child's every attempt at autonomy is frustrated with a resounding "no" and is overly repressed and controlled, a deep conflict with authority is generated.

This child may become an adult who hates all authority figures (teachers, bosses, police) simply because they represent that control he felt in his childhood.

The goal, therefore, is neither to always give in nor to repress everything, but to find a healthy management that guides the child on his or her path to autonomy without creating harmful patterns.

Summary

The tantrum is not bad parenting, but a fundamental psychological mechanism. It is the tool that the child's own psyche establishes to conquer autonomy.

This stage is not only normal, but absolutely necessary for child development. It arises from the frustration of not being able to get what he wants.

Mismanagement is detrimental. Total indulgence creates patterns of manipulation. Constant repression creates deep conflict with authority.