Boundary Setting (Boundaries)

Definition and types of boundaries (physical, emotional).

Boundaries can be thought of as invisible lines that we draw around our identity to define how far our responsibility goes and where the other person's begins, as well as to establish which behaviors are acceptable and which are intolerable.

They function as a personal security system; imagine a code of access to a house: we decide who enters, when and under what conditions.

When these barriers do not exist or are diffuse, we expose ourselves to psychological and physical harm, losing the notion of our individuality. There are several categories of boundaries.

Physical boundaries protect our personal and bodily space; a violation would be someone touching us without permission or coming too close when we speak, generating an instinctive reaction of discomfort or recoil.

Mental and emotional boundaries protect our thoughts, values and feelings.

An example of a transgression would be being forced to listen to derogatory comments about one's beliefs or having to endure destructive criticism disguised as "brutal honesty," which generates internal tension.

There are also material boundaries (who uses our things) and temporal boundaries (respect for our time).

The unmistakable sign that a boundary has been violated is the visceral feeling of discomfort, resentment or anxiety about the interaction.

Difficulties in maintaining boundaries with narcissistic personalities

Setting boundaries with individuals with a narcissistic profile is a monumental challenge due to their psychological makeup.

Often, these individuals do not perceive their partner or family members as separate entities with rights of their own, but as extensions of themselves, similar to a limb or possession. Therefore, the concept of "boundary" is alien or even offensive to them.

Why would my arm ask permission to move? Under this logic, they feel entitled to invade privacy, such as checking electronic devices or deciding how the other should dress, without understanding why this would be problematic.

Their sense of entitlement leads them to believe that the rules do not apply to them and that they can take advantage of others.

When someone tries to curb their intrusions, they interpret it not as a request for respect, but as a personal attack or rejection, reacting with anger, disdain or victimhood.

They do not possess healthy internal boundaries and actively detest others having them, as this hinders their control.

Assertive strategies and consequences

To assert boundaries in the face of such tenacious resistance, assertiveness must be accompanied by concrete consequences.

It is not enough to say "I don't like it when you yell at me"; it is necessary to establish what will happen if the behavior persists.

An effective formula would be, "If you raise your voice or insult me again, I will end this conversation and leave the room."

It is vital not to fall into the trap of excessive justification or "over-explaining," as this gives them ammunition to debate and invalidate the need for the limit. "No" is a complete sentence.

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