Tips for Parents

Fostering Self-Esteem Based on Being, Not Doing

A fundamental tip for parents, both in prevention and intervention, is to build their children's self-esteem on a solid foundation.

In our society, we tend to praise results: "What a good grade", "How well you played the game", "What a nice drawing".

This reinforcement, although positive, conditions self-esteem to "doing" (to success). If the child fails, his self-esteem suffers. Parents should focus their efforts on reinforcing "being".

This means praising effort ("I saw how hard you worked on that test"), resilience ("I love how you picked yourself up after falling down"), empathy ("It was nice of you to share that") and character.

The message should be, "I love and value you for who you are, unconditionally, not for what you accomplish."

A child with self-esteem based on "being" is less vulnerable to bully attacks (because his or her value is not dependent on outside opinion) and less likely to be bullied (because he or she does not need to humiliate others to feel valuable).

Set Clear and Consistent Boundaries

Children need and seek boundaries to feel safe. A timely "no" is a form of protection. Parents should set clear, reasonable and consistent rules at home.

This applies to both behavior ("In this house we treat each other with respect, no yelling or name-calling") and technology use (schedules, allowed apps).

Consistency is key: if both parents disagree or if the rule is applied only sometimes, the child learns to manipulate boundaries.

This structure at home teaches the principle of responsibility: every action has a consequence.

If the child learns at home that breaking a rule (e.g., not doing homework) has a logical consequence (e.g., losing leisure time), he will better understand that breaking social rules at school (e.g., bullying) will also have consequences.

A home without limits or, conversely, an overly authoritarian home, generates frustrated or aggressive children who replicate those patterns outside.

Being a Model of Emotional and Conflict Management

Parents are the mirror in which their children look. The most important advice is to "practice what you preach".

It is no use giving a lecture on empathy if, five minutes later, the child sees us yelling at another driver in a traffic jam or criticizing a neighbor contemptuously.

Children do not learn from what we tell them, but from what we do. Parents should model emotional intelligence.

This means verbalizing their own feelings ("I'm frustrated about work today"), showing how they manage that frustration in a healthy way (taking a walk, talking) and how they resolve family conflicts (with dialogue, negotiation and sincere apologies).

A child who sees his or her parents apologize to each other learns that being wrong is human and that making amends is possible.

This is the most powerful antidote to the culture of bullying.

Summary

Build your child's self-esteem based on "being", not "doing". Praise their effort, kindness and character, not just their successes, so that their value does not depend on external approval.

Establish clear, consistent and reasonable limits and rules at home. This gives the child security and teaches him that his actions have consequences, a vital lesson for social coexistence.

Be the best role model. Children learn by observing how adults manage frustration and resolve conflicts. Model empathy, dialogue and apology in everyday life.