What do we adults do to encourage the emergence of bullying?

Minimization and Inaction

One of the most powerful ways in which adults encourage bullying is by minimizing the conflict.

Phrases such as "it's kid stuff", "there have always been fights", "ignore him and he'll get bored" or "he's just too sensitive" are a direct message to the victim and the aggressor.

To the victim, it tells her that her suffering is not important and that she will not find help from adults, encouraging her to stop reporting the abuse.

To the aggressor, it grants impunity; he understands that his behavior has no consequences and that the threshold of what is tolerable is very high.

This passivity, often called "institutional blindness" in the school setting, is sometimes due to lack of training, fear of managing complex conflicts or work overload.

However, when a teacher ignores an exclusion in the playground or a parent disregards the distress of their child, they are indirectly validating the law of the strongest.

This inaction is the permission the bully needs for his or her behavior to consolidate and escalate.

Encouraging Competitiveness over Cooperation

We live in a culture that often values individual success, popularity and performance over empathy and kindness.

We adults contribute to this when we create hypercompetitive (family or school) environments.

When we exclusively praise results (the best grade, being the captain of the team, having the most friends) rather than effort or moral integrity, we teach children that the end justifies the means.

In this type of environment, children perceive their peers not as a support network, but as rivals in a social ladder.

A child who is "different" or "less capable" is seen as a liability or an easy target to reinforce one's dominant position.

We adults encourage bullying when, for example, we compare our children to others ("look how well your cousin is doing"), or when, as teachers, we establish public rankings that humiliate those below us.

We model that a person's value lies in his or her ability to "win," not in his or her ability to "cooperate."

Modeling Aggressive or Exclusionary Behaviors

Children are mirrors of adult behaviors. They learn to resolve conflicts by observing how we resolve them.

An adult (parent or teacher) who manages their frustration with yelling, sarcasm, disproportionate punishment or authoritarianism is teaching that aggression is a valid management tool.

If a child sees at home that his or her parents resolve their differences with verbal or physical violence, it is highly likely that he or she will replicate that pattern at school. Similarly, adults model exclusion.

When we make derogatory comments about others based on their origin, economic status, physical appearance or ideas (gossip, prejudice), we are teaching our children to categorize and devalue others.

The child who hears his parents criticize another family for being "weird" learns that singling out and excluding the "different" is acceptable and even expected behavior within his own social group.

Summary

We adults favor bullying by minimizing the suffering of the victim with phrases such as "it's kid stuff". This passivity gives impunity to the aggressor and teaches the victim not to ask for help.

We also contribute by creating hypercompetitive environments. When we value success and popularity over empathy, children learn to see their peers as rivals rather than as equals.

Finally, we model aggression. An adult who yells, uses sarcasm or prejudice to resolve conflicts is teaching the child that bullying and exclusion are valid tools.