Covert Narcissism: The Hidden Danger

The Profile of the "Wolf in Lamb's Clothing".

While the grandiose narcissist is arrogant, loud and easily identifiable, the covert narcissist (also called vulnerable) is much harder to detect and often more damaging in the long run due to their ability to camouflage themselves.

They present themselves to society as shy, altruistic, self-sacrificing, hypersensitive or even fragile.

However, in the intimacy of the home, they share the same contempt, the same lack of empathy and the same thirst for control as the grandiose type.

They tend to exercise constant and subtle passive-aggressive abuse: heavy sighs, disapproving looks, prolonged silences and covert sabotage of the partner's achievements.

The extreme danger of this profile lies in the dissonance it generates in the environment: they are often seen as the "pillars of the community", the "perfect husbands" or the "sacrificing mothers".

This causes that, when the victim tries to denounce or tell her experience, she faces the total disbelief of friends and family, increasing her isolation and sense of madness.

Victimization as a Dominance Strategy

The main manipulation tool of the covert narcissist is professional victimization.

They use supposed illnesses, past traumas, work stress or "bad luck" to manipulate the partner and demand constant care and concessions, while they offer no reciprocal support.

When confronted by their abusive behavior, they instantly activate the tactic known as DARVO (Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender).

They deny the fact, attack the partner's credibility and reverse roles, ending the discussion by crying and accusing the real victim of being insensitive, aggressive or selfish.

The result is devastating: the victim ends up consoling her own abuser and asking for forgiveness for having "upset" him.

This systematic inversion of reality keeps the victim in a state of perpetual guilt, believing herself responsible for the abuser's chronic unhappiness and working tirelessly to "heal" him, without understanding that victimization is the weapon with which she is subjected.

Summary

This profile, known as the "wolf in sheep's clothing", is difficult to detect because of its public facade of altruism or shyness. However, in intimacy they exercise a constant passive-aggressive abuse, full of contempt and subtle sabotage.

Their dangerousness lies in the good social image they maintain, which generates disbelief in the environment when the victim tries to denounce. They use systematic victimization to manipulate, presenting themselves as sufferers before third parties while exercising iron control at home.

When confronted, they use the DARVO technique: they deny, attack and reverse the roles of victim and offender. This confuses the real victim, who ends up asking for forgiveness and feeling guilty for the aggressor's discomfort.