The System of Written Agreements and Consequences

For school-age children, one of the most effective and transformative tools for managing conflict is the written agreement and consequence system.

This method replaces daily arguments, yelling and improm ptu punishments with a clear, predictable and logical structure.

By putting rules and their outcomes on paper, it eliminates ambiguity, reduces power struggles and, most importantly, teaches the child that his actions have direct consequences, giving him control over the outcomes he experiences.

This system, when applied consistently, not only works, but fosters responsibility and autonomy.

Step 1: Identify common sources of conflict

The first step in implementing this system is to become an observer of family dynamics and identify precisely what the major sources of conflict are.

Instead of trying to fix everything at once, make a list of situations that generate recurring fights and arguments.

Some common examples might be:

• Not making the bed in the morning.
• Leaving your backpack lying around when you come home from school.
• Resisting bath time.
• Procrastinating or avoiding homework.
• Constantly fighting with siblings.

Once you have your list, choose one, two or at most three of the most intense sources of conflict to start with.

It's crucial not to cover too much at first so you don't turn the home into a "military college" and so you can apply the system with the consistency it requires.

Step 2: Establish clear, specific and consistent agreements.

Once the conflicts have been identified, the next step is to design the "agreements" (it is preferable to use this word instead of "rules" to avoid a negative connotation).

These agreements must meet certain conditions to be effective:

• Be established with a cool mind: never define an agreement or a consequence in the heat of an argument. Take a moment of calm to design them logically and fairly.
• Be clear and specific: Avoid ambiguous language at all costs. Instead of "tidy up the room," specify what you mean: "dirty clothes in the hamper and toys in their box." Clarity is critical.
• Be congruent: The consequence must be logically related to the offense.
• Control must depend on you: The application of the consequence must be under your control. Avoid consequences that depend on third parties, such as a grandparent, as you cannot guarantee that they will be enforced.

Step 3: Define logical consequences and apply them consistently.

This is the core of the system. On a sheet of paper, poster board or whiteboard, create two columns: "Agreement" and "Consequence".

This is where you will lay out in writing what is expected and what will happen if it is not met.

For example:

• Turn on the TV only after all homework is completed / If not followed, the TV will be turned off for the rest of the day.
• Play video games for a maximum of one hour a day, and only after homework / If not followed, no video games for the next two days.

When you present this to the child, explain that the goal is to stop fighting and that he has the power to decide. If he honors the agreement, he will never have to live through the consequence.

Consistency is key; the consequence should be enforced whenever the agreement is not followed, no exceptions.

Summary

The written agreement and consequence system is very effective at this stage. It replaces daily discussions with a clear, predictable and logical structure.

First, identify the most common sources of conflict, such as not doing homework. Then, establish clear and specific agreements, never in the heat of the moment.

Define logical consequences in writing in two columns: "Agreement" and "Consequence". Explain to the child that he has the power to decide whether to comply.