Assertiveness in practice: how to set boundaries

Assertiveness is not an innate personality trait, but a skill that is learned and applied in specific situations.

It involves a practical sequence that allows you to express your truth and set boundaries clearly and respectfully.

This approach is an act of self-care that strengthens your integrity and enhances the relationship, since honesty, when handled with respect, is a bridge, not a wall.

Assertiveness allows you to maintain your position while considering the needs of the other person, which helps resolve conflicts without resorting to aggression or avoidance.

The assertive sequence for action

To be assertive, you can follow these steps, which will guide you through a difficult conversation in a structured and conscious way:

Start on a positive note: Begin the conversation with something positive about the person or relationship, and explain why it is important for you to address the issue.

For example, you might say, "You know how much I appreciate you, so I want to talk to you about something that is affecting me."

This initiation disarms defensiveness and creates a more receptive environment for dialogue. Describe the behavior that bothers you.

Use "I" messages to talk about your feelings, concerns, and interpretations, without making judgments or accusations about the other person.

Instead of saying "You make me feel bad," you can say "I feel annoyed when you make comments that seem like petty insults."

If you have to describe their tone, use interpretive language such as "it seems" rather than definitive language such as "you are."

This approach keeps the conversation focused on your experience and not on the other person's supposed wrongdoing. Ask questions and get to know the other person's perspective.

Invite the other person into the conversation by asking what they are experiencing, and then acknowledge and validate their feelings. For example, "Are you angry with me?"

After listening to his or her response, say, "Okay, I hear you, thank you for telling me."

This step is crucial to understand the problem from their point of view and to make the person feel respected.

Establish a clear and respectful boundary. This is the most important step. After listening, you must set a clear boundary in a respectful manner.

This may seem uncomfortable, but it is critical to the health of the relationship.

An example might be, "I would ask you to please stop making these kinds of comments, as I am not in a position to lend you money and it is in your best interest to secure your future on your own."

This boundary, when calmly stated and consistently maintained, is a statement of your value and your respect for the relationship. Solve the problem collaboratively.

Finally, ask if there is something the other person needs from you and if they are open to working togeth