Identity Reconstruction and Life Planning

Rediscovering the "Self", Reality Check and SMART Goals

Abuse is a process of identity colonization; the victim becomes what the abuser needed him or her to be in order to survive.

Recovery involves an act of "personal archeology": rediscovering tastes, opinions, hobbies and values that were suppressed, ridiculed or forbidden.

A constant Reality Check exercise is vital to combat the remnants of gaslighting.

This involves writing one's own narrative of the events, validating that the abuse occurred, that it was serious and that it was not one's fault, challenging the internalized voice of the aggressor that minimizes what happened.

To get out of "survival mode" (where the brain only plans for the next hour or day), it is necessary to project into the future using the SMART methodology: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time-bound goals.

Instead of a vague desire such as "I want to be well", one states: "I will attend therapy once a week for three months" or "I will save 10% of my salary each month for my freedom fund."

This structuring activates the prefrontal cortex, reduces anxiety caused by the uncertainty of the future, and provides a tangible roadmap to independence.

Cognitive Restructuring and Celebration of Achievement.

Victims often have a fierce inner critic who sabotages their progress. Recovery of self-efficacy requires the deliberate accumulation of positive evidence about one's competence.

The implementation of SMART goals must be accompanied by conscious recognition of each step advanced, no matter how small it may seem.

Completing a difficult bureaucratic formality, painting a room a color that the offender did not like, or simply going an entire day without crying, are victories that should be recorded and celebrated.

This process helps to restructure the cognition from "I am useless/incapable" (learned helplessness) to "I am capable, resilient and autonomous."

It also involves healing the relationship with one's past and with parental figures if there was violence in childhood, re-signifying those events to break the unconscious loyalties that lead to repeat destiny.

By building a new identity based on dignity and deservedness, the doors to future abusive relationships are closed, raising the next generation from