The Challenges of Pre-Adolescence

My child asked me a question about a very explicit sexual act they heard about in the schoolyard… what should I say?

What to understand: In preadolescence, sexual vocabulary often develops faster than emotional maturity. They ask questions to make sense of a world that catches their attention, not because they want to engage in it.

What to Do: Don’t be shocked (if they see you panicking, they’ll stop asking you).

Gently turn the question back to them: “What do you think it means?” This will give you a clear sense of what they know and what they’re really asking.

What to say: Answer their question with clear and honest language. Demystify the information circulating in the schoolyard by putting the topic into context within the framework of consent, respect, and adulthood.

I’ve discovered that my child has searched for pornography on their tablet—should I punish them or confiscate the device?

What to understand: Curiosity is inevitable, and these days, access to pornography is just a click away. Punishment only serves to make them delete their browsing history more thoroughly next time and to reinforce the idea that sex is “not something you talk about with your parents.”

What to do: Take a deep breath. Use parental control filters as a basic preventive measure, but assume they’ll see something at some point (on their tablet or a friend’s).

What to say: Bring up the topic without being accusatory. “I noticed some search history on the tablet.

It’s normal to be curious about sex at your age, but I’m worried about what you might find there.”

Teach media literacy: Explain that pornography is fiction, just like Marvel movies; the bodies, sounds, and behaviors are exaggerated and don’t represent how real people interact, care for each other, or love one another.

How do I bring up the topic of menstruation or bodily changes if my child is very embarrassed and cuts me off?

What to understand: Embarrassment is a defense mechanism against the vulnerability they feel regarding their own changing bodies.

What to do: Change your approach. If a face-to-face conversation (which can feel like a police interrogation) isn’t working, avoid direct eye contact.

Alternatives: Talk about these topics in the car (while looking ahead), while cooking together, or while taking a walk.

You can also leave resources within easy reach: “I’ll leave